Neon, Neon by Jessi Harrison

Meet me at the crossroads, he says. Bring ice, & everything that’s holdingyou back.  I find myself whispering knots, & anchors, & harmfultransgressions into cubes, & throwing them into oncoming traffic. The cars run over all the things you need to empty, & scatter themin new directions. This is how beginnings start.  I am hot as a shot of whiskey. The beer flush  on my cheeks like I am not From a drinking state. Like I have never run barefoot in the snow from the barafter having one too many tequila shooters on NYE, breast boosted like I could keepup with the boys. The boys who only ever wanted to see how long, or how muchit took to get the layers off.  There must be a body under there somewhere. Speculation the only concrete an imagination has in the middle of 40 degrees below on January nights.  This is how we make ourselves, he says,eyes green as jungle jade. We like to sit across from each other & measure the amount of restraint we carry. I like to play with fire. He likes to get burned. There is symbiosis in every aspect of fuck.  Do not whisper God’s name, he says as his hands hold my throat. I am so bored, I say. No, you are tragic. He holds his thumb around my esophagus, his digits imprinting their physicality in bruises. I have never felt closer to dying. I have never felt so alive. I choke on all the usualmoans. Don’t be simple, he says. That’s what’s boring. Who fucking wants ordinary? Ordinary,is for housewives & fuckboys who think their decisions in life are special. Special, is for secondplace ribbons. You, are a trophy case. Polish yourself clean in all your glory.  There is nothing but distance between words. The flicker of neon. The clack of misguidedboots down a sawdust hall. The clock measures moments we cannot digest. I cannot hold liquor,or a conversation like I used to. Like I so mistakenly desire.  He speaks, soft as morning, of a light I do not see.  Of a beauty I have never known. The night is blacker than blindness. Watch the sky. Measure how the stars dance. Whatdoes it take to tango? Where do you learn moves like that? Winter closes in with each breath. I am not ready for the cold,  I tell him with soaked intent. Darling, no one ever fucking is.